Becoming Your Own Envy
“When we admire someone, we do so from a distance. When we envy someone, we picture ourselves in their place.” ~ Maria KonnikovaAs I stare at another’s life, wishing it was mine, the inner voice is silent. Numb. She buzzes around waiting patiently to be heard. To be noticed. No matter how soft or brash, it is only when I am steady, still, and connected can I witness her inner wisdom and beauty.
When lost in the sea of envy, I am disconnected. I am time traveling and living someone else’s dreams and desires. Wishing to be anywhere, but here. I am not present. Sometimes I choose to hang out in this place for a few minutes, hours, or even days. I lose sight of my inherent value just by being who I am; a woman who continues to transform, shift, uncover and undo, and most of all, become.
Envy possesses a more profound effect; a dense fog and emotional tone…tight, restrictive, and suffocating. An envious mind is a narrow mind filled with fixated thoughts, judgments and limiting questions – “Why am I not living an adventurous life complete with travel, camping, and backpacking?” “Where is my fairy-tale love story?” “When will I find my purpose, afford a house and find my dream job?” As I scroll through social media, seeing images of love and family, nature, and adventure, products, and solutions marketed to promote a better version of Self, I drift further and further away. I lose my sense of wonder and trust.
We compare, yet no two beings, no two paths are alike. So why do we impose such suffering onto ourselves?
We live in a society that encourages a message that to be of value one must do, improve. Maintain a successful job, drive a high-profile car, buy a big house, complete with the perfect marriage and kids. That to be happy, one must find their purpose in life. It's ingrained. We seek to be admired through success; to always be doing and achieving. Not often is it taught or expressed that we are of value for being born, for purely being. To be actively engaged in our own process, humble and curious, open and receptive to create space for the unveiling and discovery of our inherent nature.
Admiration feels expansive, abundant and gracious. In this place of connection, I am present. I am not comparing, judging or jealous, but keenly interested in my path and that of another. I appreciate pictures of mountains, rivers, and oceans, for the pure beauty and wonder they offer knowing, one day soon I will be hiking, camping and swimming among the very same water and land.
With age, knowledge, and experience I now can separate the two; admiration and envy. Though sometimes caught between, I have the awareness and ability to “catch on." I understand the difference between jealousy and sincerely appreciating another’s success and happiness.
Through the process of writing, spiritual teachings and personal practice, I am becoming my own envy and sense of admiration. I am content with my pace. I notice and acknowledge progress, subtle and overt. I am living and breathing my purpose, and with each changing day, it will continue to shift, transform and grow. I am unbecoming who I was and arriving into the woman I was born to realize. Seeing someone live their dreams, ride their success, share and express their happiness and joy encourages me to continue to follow mine. To remember to give enough distance between my journey and another’s. Believing both are of value, filled with purpose and passion; different but equally as important.
When I feel envy starting to rise, cripple and creep, I take hold. I put down my phone, and I make a choice. I open my journal, I venture outdoors, I move on my mat. I connect, and when I am in that place and nowhere else, I am living my truth. I am inspired and creative, content and rooted, receptive and gracious, loving and compassionate. I have the power to choose and create my own experience. It is not always straight and narrow and filled with peaks and valleys, shallow waters and deep-ends; however, I am learning to navigate. To float and flow through the depths of the unknown and into the great wide open.