Portal to Freedom
Developing the capacity for an undefended heart.
Where does she go, the creator in me when she is afraid?
“What am I afraid of,” I whisper.
“Being judged of course,” the young girl replies.
Judged for the raw exposure of being vulnerable. Yet, the woman I am becoming knows she will be of disservice should she resist and suppress the inner voice. The voice that when the mind is quiet and the heart secure, speaks of truth. I am hesitant my writing will not be perfect; too long, too short, grammatically incorrect, not precise, misunderstood, incomplete, always a draft never to be published. Fear the courage it has taken to develop and to authentically express myself will not be well-received, judged and criticized. Even promote an eye-roll.
The inner critic is the one I fear the most. She is fierce, relentless and a force to be reckoned. A battle fought my entire life. Telling me to divert and run when scared. Not sexy, skinny, smart or sassy enough when dumped. Not fast enough when finishing last. Not fashionable or fun enough when girlfriends gossiped and betrayed. Not strong enough when sad and defeated. I conceded for the inner mean girl was bolder than my nerve.
Underneath vulnerability lies a deep fear of not feeling accepted and safe. We defend our hearts for concern of being let down, misunderstood, and embarrassed. Outline an agenda of how we should be with our self and others. Trusting thoughts to be true, defining who we are and never to question or betray. We learn to repeat and reinforce unfavorable truths; for years and even decades. Until one day, we catch on. We become aware and begin to remove the layers of armor, learning to rest in the freedom of our heart.
Within and beneath the layers of distress rests a deeper connection to spirit, a world waiting to be discovered. An uncovering of our essential being, aliveness, creativity, spontaneity, and a deep sense of trust.
“You are an impostor,” the critic repeats.
You talk of spirituality, training awareness, being mindful, present, etc. But admit, you fail. You are not always a ray of sunshine, full of laughter and joy. You judge, both you and others. Get pissed, agitated and yell. The slightest encounter with illness, you panic; attached to health and well-being of your own, those close to you, and your beloved feline. The thought of disease and death shakes you to your core, a fear that drops you to your knees, and keeps you up at night.
I am, after all, human and learning to allow permission to be such. With the support of mentors, I am becoming acquainted with the ancient traditions of yoga. Understanding ways to care for the mind and confronting 30 years of momentum, conditions, and behaviors. The more I study, the more curious I become and thus so has my desire to live a more spiritual life. Encouraged to seek freedom from disappointment and view failure as a lesson, a technique to learn and master.
I catch the lies I repeat. Committed to train and deepen my attention, to pause and observe when I am reacting from a place of past trauma and pain, of fear vs. love. I have only just begun, a journey I embarked a decade ago and to my disbelief, has revealed, shifted and transcended in ways never imagined.
Learning I am not the narratives, the personas I led myself to believe, reinforced and stuffed down adding layer upon layer of protection, restraint, and doubt. I am not anxious and scared by nature, I am not depressed and lonely, out-of-shape and ugly, unworthy of love, peace, and joy. I am just the opposite.
Each of us carries a degree of wounds, defenses, and tendencies used to protect us against failure and risk. It does not have to be isolating or personal. We are human; thus, we shall be vulnerable. Through writing, I hope to remove this idea of separatism and generate a connection. That my words and stories will reach and resonate. We are not alone in our thoughts, and all have wounds to heal, scars to nurture. To not blame, but rather understand that our defenses become a habit and disguise. To choose freedom over shame, release guilt and self-induced punishment, and stop using energy to appear a certain way and allow for the beauty and grace of naturalness to come forth.
We find true peace in belonging when we are not afraid to be ourselves. That is bravery.
The relationship with myself is a beautiful challenge and long-awaited. It will continue to shift and transform minute, hour, day, months, years, and decades. Each moment presents itself as an opportunity for growth, to see clear and soften. To release judgment and expectations, welcome in loving kindness and compassion towards self and others. The key to setting up success begins with consistent practice, presence, and slowing down. Creating harmony in the body, mind, and spirit, and to remain humble and sincere. A restless mind is a worried mind and will hinder seeing with clarity and compassion.
The impostor I once perceived serves as a reminder of the attainment and progression of the woman I am becoming and what remains to be undone. When home, I am clear and at ease. My inner wisdom and intuition blossoms. Wise and wondrous, beautiful, and full of light. An inspiration to herself, and others.