I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm

I have been reflecting lately, which one tends to do as the end of the year and birthday approaches. What aspirations do I want to clarify and refine? What habits do I wish to remove or foster? What do I desire to create, offer, and expand? How can I show up each day with whole-hearted care and presence? Can I relate to the circumstances of my life with grace?

I have a sense of relief heading into 41. For me, birthdays tend to be wrapped up in expectation, especially having a birthday on Christmas Eve. Did I mention I also share it with my father? My expectations were always met and exceeded growing up; my mom did a fantastic job celebrating my birthday with parties and gatherings that felt special and unique.

Last year was the big 4-0. Which asked the curious mind, what extraordinary extravaganza would I do to celebrate? I spent the day in simplicity – with family and dear friends, in nature, and prayer and practice. Though, I still allowed momentarily for others' expectations and those I place on myself to get the better of me.  

I do not discount the importance of acknowledging and celebrating birthdays. Still, ten months into a global pandemic, it has got me asking, why do we not celebrate each day with the same enthusiasm? In a time when we are separated from family, friends, and perhaps some things that give us pleasure and joy, how can we hold the spirit of sweetness in our hearts?

We can choose to lead a life in deep service to our aspirations, see the beauty in each day, and honor what we deem precious by incorporating acts of love and ritual into our daily lives.

We can be in deep service to others by holding their energy in our hearts, witnessing their journey and process without taking it personally, trying to fix or change, seeing the great depth of pain and suffering with a compassionate heart and mind.

I am relieved that I do not have to live up to expectations on my birthday, that truthfully, I do not want to live up to anyway. The notion of expectation (in myself or another) is an old pattern that no longer serves me and my relationships. It is a habit I no longer wish to enforce, strengthen, and give power to.  

Expectation sets us up for disappointment, resentment, and suffering in ourselves, our relationships, and life experience. We get disappointed when something does not go our way. Someone treats us with unjust, or we become offended while witnessing another's journey, taking to heart their decisions as a personal assault. Someone else's choices are always their choice. While their behavior may mark us, it is not always a personal attack but an internal struggle and shadow that has yet to be recognized or healed.

Expectation creates obstacles that block us from experiencing and seeing the gift and wisdom actually revealed because we are so caught up in how we believe or think something should go or how someone should act, etc. In every outcome or experience, there is insight—a lesson to learn or to be discovered no matter how receptive. Gifts do not always come wrapped in glitter and fancy bows. 

Maybe if we met another or circumstance in a place of curious, open neutrality, we wouldn't set ourselves up for disappointment? Whatever happens during and after our experience is a treasure not to be missed.

Are you ready to let go of expectation and allow yourself to be pulled towards the direction of your soul?

I didn't intend for my post to be so long or go this way, but that is the beauty of writing, expect the unexpected. What needs to be heard, seen, felt, and touched needs to be written. It needs to be healed and expressed, so it is not embedded, causing undue distress and blocking us from the sheer beauty and preciousness that exists right in front of us.

If you made it this long, thank you for reading. Writing is a healing modality for me. It is a way in and a way out—a way to be of service to myself and others. The very act of listening and reading another's story opens us all to healing. In this vulnerable unknown place, we open the doors to intimacy and connection.